Movie 14: I Want Candy

Two film students have been working on a deep and meaningful film, The Love Storm, for 3 years and plan to make it as they’re final project. However their tutor drops the bombshell that the final projects are to be shorts of around 2 minutes, not the 90 minute feature they had planned. So they travel down to London to pitch the script to studios. Things don’t quite go according to plan and they accidentally stumble in to a porn studio and make a deal. After a bit of re-writing they set out to make the most deep and meaningful porn movie ever made with the hottest star around, Candy Fiveways.

And you get the idea. This film appears to be going for the same kind of sexy romp vibe as the “Confessions of” movies from the 70’s. I assume. I’ve never managed to sit through a whole one of those, they’re fucking AWFUL. But the soundtrack is very retro and it’s down and dirty film making.

The problem is, it’s far to tame to hit that mark. This is a movie about making a dirty movie with absolutely no nudity. Dirty innuendo a plenty, the odd dodgy situation and some gross out humour but don’t expect to see a boob. So that’s the fans of the aforementioned movies out.

And if, like me, your not a fan of those your not going to find all that much for you either. The film isn’t as clever as it thinks it is, though it has its moments. It seems underdeveloped. The version I watched was from Sky so I could assume it was some kind of slightly edited TV version, but the run time matches up with IMDB so I doubt that’s the case. It feels like chunks are missing. The love story angles just kinda happen without the necessary character development. In fact Jimmy Carr’s video shop owner character seems to be as developed as anyone and he’s very much on the side. And comes across as a half assed Randal.

Also, I’ve made many a no budget short film. What these guys chuck out looks great, but it wouldn’t with the way they made it. The film makers seem to have either forgotten or never made movies for fuck all and a packet of crisps as its tougher than they make it look here. I know it’s a sexy comedy, but faking that isn’t exactly difficult. I couldn’t believe that these guys were producing the Citizen Kane of porn and that’s a big failing.

So if you like the Confessions movies, go watch one of those. If you don’t but you want to watch a movie about some more or less amateurs making a porn, go watch Zack and Miri Make A Porno. It’s Kevin Smith’s weakest in my opinion (and I’m a HUGE fan) but it beats this hands down. Yeah that’s making an alternate recommendation and I don’t want to do that too much, but when something blah comes along I might as well point at something LESS blah…

Next up: The Bourne Ultimatum